Cargo or boardies, which shorts are you?

Fellas, let me introduce the 2020 Men’s Summer Shorts Range, available now in the bottom drawer of your clothes cupboard, smooshed up beside a scungy baseball cap that says “Aus Open 2013”, a stripy handkerchief you’ve never used, and an old leather belt that you kept adding more holes to, and now it’s just one long hole.

The Classic Cargo Shorts. (Colour: a faded murky grey-ish khaki-ish brown-ish stain-tone. Material: 20 per cent cotton, 80 per cent barbecue grease ‘n’ soy-marinade spatter. Fit: oversized.) On sunny days in the backyard, slip into these below-the knee-hanging shorts, which feature two enormous nappy-pins on the waist, adjustable for a variety of post-BBQ distended-gut girths. The Classic Cargo is an essential summer fashion item, boasting a whopping 42 pockets for keys, wallet, phone, utensils and fold-out chairs (with an extra pocket you won’t discover until years later, when one day you’ll say, “Hey, there’s a pocket inside this pocket! Whoahhhh!”) Pair these shorts with a shapeless merch T-shirt from a rock concert you saw in the 90s, and cheap $2-Shop thongs with the toe-post that pops out with any kind of walking movement.

The “Surf’s Up” Board-Shorts. (Colour: “Busy”, with blue and red checks, interspersed with pink and orange stripes, embellished with yellow and purple dots). Material: patented Cling-2-Crotch® polyester. Fit: revealing.) Make a splash at the beach or pool in these lightweight boardies, designed to sit low on the hip, held on by nothing but your pelvic bone and your velcro-like buttock hair. Featuring a long frayed drawcord that never stays knotted, you’ll look great in or out of the water, the drawcord dangling inappropriately between your legs, and your man-junk cling-wrapped like a chicken drumette in a sous-vide bag.

The Casual Chino Dress Short. (Colours: biscotti, oxblood, or chambray, whatever the %$#@ any of those colours are. Material: 50 per cent fabric, 50 per cent branding patches. Fit: ill-fitting.) Keep it short and sweet in these super-stylish shorts that you don’t really like but you were out shopping with your partner and they insisted you try them on and you said, “Nah, they’re not me,” and they said, “But I like them,” and you said, “They’re not my thing,” and they said, “Just try them on,” and you said, “Look, I don’t like them! Stop trying to change me!” then you had a big fight, and to make up, you bought them. Match with the poncy linen shirt you hate, and the ugly brown loafers you despise, all bought on the same day, in the same store, after several more fights.