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Someday, somehow, somewhere, you are going to be a manager.

There are two ways this is going to happen. You will either find a company so completely screwed up they will view you as management material. Or, you will look deep into yourself and diligently make the changes in education and attitude that will qualify you as a manager in a well-run company.

Of course, neither of these things is going to happen, which means you need to fall back on your usual strategy — conniving and cheating and faking your way to the top.

Hey, that’s how your current managers did it, right?

As a first step in your path to manager, you’ll want to consult Management Jobs: Options, Job Titles, and Descriptions, a recent Alison Doyle post on The Balance Careers website.

According to Doyle, “the ability to effectively manage others and motivate excellent work is one of the greatest skills you can have in the professional world.”

This may be true. You just never have had a manager who could do either.

But that’s why there is hope. You can’t become a world-class manager, but with determination and hard work you can certainly become a mediocre manager. This is nothing to be sneezed at. “According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, hiring employees at the management level is expected to grow by 7% from 2018 to 2028.”

In other words, the gravy train is coming your way. Time to hop on!

Now that you’ve decided to be a manager, you’ll have to decide what kind of manager you will be.

Executives — the “top-tier managers” — need “at least a bachelor’s degree and also a graduate degree in their related field.” Does a graduate degree in greed count? Most of the overpaid, overstuffed CEOs we read about every day seem to be Phi Beta Kappa in that area.

CEOs are required to jet set around the world, staying in 7-star hotels while meeting with other jet-setting CEOs staying in 7-star hotels. While collecting all those itsy-bitsy bottles of shampoo and conditioner are a nice perk, the jet lag isn’t worth it. Let’s lower expectations a tad.

“Middle managers require strong problem-solving skills,” Doyle writes, “as they work to implement the strategy outlined by senior management (executives).”

You can see the problem, immediately. If your job is taking the lamebrain ideas executes dream up and making them work, you might as well work on teaching pigs how to fly.

Direct supervisors are the lowest level of management. Your job here is to make sure the people who actually do the work actually do the work.

As a current worker bee yourself, you know this is a terrible job. If you don’t, ask your manager what it’s like to manage you. When their weeping stops, you’ll have your answer.

With the definitions in place, the article goes on to list the various management titles available.

You’ll earn a median $96,180 salary as an administrative service manager. In this position you will “maintain the facility and manage the office’s regular needs.”

In other words, it’s your job to see that there’s French lavender soap in the executive washroom and Peanut M&Ms in the break room snack machine. You’ll have to be careful not to switch the two tasks. Nothing is sadder than a CEO trying to wash their hands with Peanut M&Ms.

A computer information services manager earns a median salary of $142,530, which is one of the higher salaries for managers. Unfortunately, in this position, managing the whackadoodles who work in IT will drive you bonkers. Count on using at least half your salary on psychotherapy.

One of the lowest paid managerial positions is in the hospitality industry. As a food services manager, you could earn a median, measly $54,240. But that’s OK. Think of all the stale donuts you’ll be able to take home, not to mention the yummy steaks and chops, just a few months past their sell-by date.

You may never have to go grocery shopping again!

Advertising and marketing managers earn a median $132,620 to create and execute new campaigns to sell the company’s products. Which means you have to be really good at making stuff up. There are no specific requirements for this management position, but if you believe the earth is flat, and can convince others that it’s true, you should do fine.

Just be careful. You don’t want to fall off the edge.